Holding on

walking doesn't feel new anymore. 

but the hand holding really started only a few weeks ago. 

it still feels new. 

my favorite is when we walk just the three of us. 

he's in the middle and every now and then he gets a swing.

he loves it.

but today was different. 

it was just us.

and though cold out it was so sunny and clear. 

calling for a walk. 

so out we went. all bundled up. 

and he held on. tight. 

i had to slow my usual stroller pace to his walking pace. 

and it was so good.

to slow down. stop when he stopped. jerk right when he tugged me that way. 

pause for the trucks. the people. the littlest thing along the way that caught his eye. 

and just let him guide me for a bit. 

i've never felt so unqualified for anything as i have with parenting. 

yet there is something intuitive about it. 

like if i just let go a bit and slow down, and let the little person tell me what to do, i might just see the world in a new way and grow up a bit too. 

and it's when i feel his grip tighten that i know it'll be ok.

the rough days. the long nights. 

the tense moments of parenting. 

the baby who oh so happily threw his legos in the toilet yet again.

finding the strength to change the diaper. 

to dig out the legos. 

to put dinner together. 

yet still finding time for the walks in the winter sunshine.

so i can remind myself how beautiful it is to parent this sweet little boy. 

who holds onto me tight.